"TRYING TO HELP"

By Dennis Miller

All the rhetoric on whether or not we should go to war against Iraq has got

my little brain spinning like a top. I enjoy reading opinions from both

sides, but I've detected a hint of confusion from some of you. Maybe this

can help.

As I was reading the paper recently, I was reminded of the best advice

anyone ever gave me. He told me about the "KISS" method ("Keep It Simple,

Stupid!"). So with this as a theme, I'd like to apply this theory for those

who don't quite get it. My hope is that we can simplify things and

recognize a few important facts.

Here are ten things to consider when voicing an opinion on this important

issue:

(1) Between President Bush and Saddam Hussein ... Hussein is the bad guy.

(2) If you have faith in the United Nations to do the right things, keep

this in mind: the UN has Libya heading the Committee on Human Rights and

Iraq heading the Global Disarmament Committee. Do your own math here.

(3) If you use a Google or Yahoo search and type in "French Military

Victories," don't be surprised if your computer panics at its inability to

respond to your inquiry.

(4) If your only anti-war slogan is "No War For Oil," hire a pit bull

lawyer and sue your school district for having allowed you to slip through

the cracks and robbing you of the minimum education that any non-troglodyte

deserves.

(5) You can take this one to the bank: Saddam and bin Laden will NOT seek

UN approval before they try to kill us.

(6) Despite common belief among some, Martin Sheen is NOT the President. He

only plays one on TV.

(7) If you are anti-war and even an outright "America Basher," to bin Laden

you are still an "infidel" whom he wants dead.

(8) Be careful: if you believe in a "vast right-wing conspiracy," but not

in the danger that Hussein poses, the only job you may be able to get is as

an Ivy League college professor.

(9) Even multi-culturalists who try to browbeat us into believing that all

cultures are equally deserving of respect have trouble explaining the past

500 year of Islam.

(10) Whether you are for or against military action, our young men and women

overseas are fighting to defend our right to speak out on these issues.

They deserve our unreserved support.

I hope this helps.